living or existing

happy Halloween everyone 👻 i'm writing this post while sitting in bed, listening to the talking heads, and i'm VERY sick. the past month of my life has been unbelievably busy. i will never forget October 2018. i turned 20 years old, went to my first music festival, got stuck in an airport on my birthday, and was 6ix9ine for Halloween. life is anything but boring. the weekend of my birthday was spent in austin, texas at austin city limits music festival. mckenna and i were front row at Odesza, who I've loved since 8th grade (life changing). i also got to see one of my favorite bands, mt. joy, live. we saw phoenix, got stuck in millions of mosh pits at san holo, watched as paul mccartney performed some beatles oldies, stood at the back of metallica because the crowd was scary, saw travis scott, and so so many more. to say the least, my life is forever changed, and i will always jump at the opportunity to go to any music festival. 'spend your money on experiences, not things' is a huge motto/takeaway i've learned this year. i remember vividly standing in the front row of Odesza feeling like i was having an out of body experience, and i just started to cry, because i've never felt so alive. i watched a five year old little girl sit on her dad's shoulders at san holo as everyone moshed around her, and i realized how insanely beautiful each stage of life is. austin, texas is one of my favorite cities now, and i can't wait to return. i got to meet the entire sigler family, which i love so so much. (i miss them already) this entire trip was so happy, and i'm so thankful i got to experience this. that monday, on my 20th birthday, i spent the entire day in the austin airport: one, because i'm an idiot and scheduled the wrong flight time and two, because of flight delays. (never flying frontier airlines again) however, i made friends with a ton of people, fell asleep on like five random strangers, ate a ton of food, drank like five juices from juice land, and then flew back to colorado. my entire family waited for me in a hotel in colorado springs, and i got there just in time to see them before they went to sleep. in that moment, i couldn't have been more thankful for the amazing family that i have, and the love that we share. after i left the hotel, i went back home with my mom after the longest day of my life. when i walked through my front door, all of my friends yelled "surprise" and i was absolutely shocked to the point of almost being in tears that my friends waited until almost midnight for me to get home. they all stayed for awhile, and gave me the sweetest notes. i couldn't have asked for better friends. each and every one of them means so much to me, and they made that birthday the best ever. fast forward to halloweekend, and mckenna and i dressed like 6ix9ine and post malone, which i thought was iconic. all of these girls were dressed slutty with their buttcheeks hanging out, and then there was mckenna and i as these ugly ass rappers. love. the next day we drove down to boulder to stay with none other than clayton mcgee, my soulmate, and montana, the greatest human alive. chloe, sky, clayton, mckenna and i all went out to eat, with clayton dressed as a priest. it was an experience ,to say the least. then, the four of us girls changed into nun costumes, and i swear i never stopped laughing that entire night. it was one of the greatest nights of my life. we went to a house party and then bar hopped until we literally passed out. the next morning, mckenna, clayton, and i went to the liquor store wearing large t shirts, boots, and no pants to fetch some champagne and orange juice for mimosas. so iconic. after we finished both bottles, we went to brunch and drank some more. it was so hilarious, and we were all laughing the entire meal. after that, we went to another restaurant and drank some more (margaritas) and by this point we were trashed in the middle of the day. that afternoon we went to lost gulch lookout, and sat on top of the mountain. this was truly one of the most relaxing, carefree, beautiful days of my life. after this weekend, i got extremely sick (surprise surprise), but it was so worth it. this coming weekend i'm going to another concert (mountain man band) and the bronco game, so hopefully there will be more to write about. i'm proud that i packed all of these experiences into one month.
i hope everyone is living instead of just existing. there is a huge difference. don't let it go to waste. ♥

light at the end of the tunnel

i have been waiting for more than a week to write about my experience at Austin City Limits, and my birthday, but that will have to wait. i have something else that i absolutely HAVE to write about. this topic, so broad and so common, unfortunately, is something i must talk about. when i was growing up i used to dream of the day that i found the perfect person; someone i could share everything with, someone who was my best friend, and someone that i could spend my life with. i wanted a love like my grandparents, my aunt and uncle, my mom and dad. however, this sweet, pure naivety caused me so much heartache that it truly took me years to realize that you have to protect yourself above all else, you must guard your heart and be cautious. this is a sad reality. it took me getting drugged by a boy in college to realize that not everyone in the world was good. this is SO incredibly hard for me to share, but i will not continue to tiptoe through life, scared of sharing a reality that could help many others who have gone through similar experiences. it breaks my heart, shatters it, to think about how many girls i know who have been harmed, sexually, mentally, or in any way shape or form. being in a toxic relationship or having something terrible happen you, one of the most difficult revelations, is something i have had to go through, my sisters, best friends, and this is what i find so dismal. as positive of a person as i am, this is something that haunts me on a daily basis. the entire scenario of someone innocently wanting to find love, and then being hurt in such an awful way, really is so unbelievably sad. one thing i will say, is that we are so much stronger because of this. i have found an unwavering strength from within because of this, and a deeper love and acceptance for myself that i might not have found otherwise. instead of being resentful, or hateful, i want to be there for all of the girls who have faced something similar. there is only one way to move forward, to continue on, and that is together.
-so so so much love ♥

"what's the greatest lesson a woman should learn?

that since day one she's already had everything that she needs within herself. it's the world that convinced her she did not."
-rupi kaur ♡

in order to bloom

i always find myself writing at the most peculiar times: when i wake up in the middle of the night and start to think about absolutely everything, driving in the car when i'm also thinking about everything and have to pull over to write, in the middle of a staff meeting at work. i can't turn my thoughts off or choose when they run rampant, so i usually just go with it. this is a very raw post. i think most everyone has found themselves at a low point in their lives, and i have found myself in this place many times; i'm no stranger to pain. i've been through more in the past few years than i ever thought possible. to avoid getting into specifics, i will just say that there have been really high highs, and really low lows. there was a time in my life when i was so depressed that i couldn't move my body from my bed for a solid week. these were the lows. i feel like if i never share or admit that i've experienced this, that i can't truly appreciate the serene state that i find myself in now. it has truly been a process to find this JOY that i now am acquainted with, and i, of course, had to learn the hard way. there are a few important takeaways that i live by: never let someone steal your joy, is the first. my mom used to say this to me when i was sad or upset, and i started to internalize it. if you don't give someone the power to hurt or upset you, then they can't. this doesn't mean you won't ever hurt, but it will give you strength when these times do come along. the second takeaway is: never let your happiness depend on someone or something. this is one of my favorites. whenever i thought i could find happiness in a relationship or a materialistic belonging, i soon found that this was a fleeting sort of happiness; it never lasted. instead of searching for happiness in someone else, or in an external, i search for it within. i loved myself first before i ever let myself even think of loving someone else. you have to have a deep self respect in order to find true happiness. the third, and by far the most important, is: don't let the positives pass you by. so often, we focus on the negatives. we are stressed about school or work, we didn't do well on an exam, we are having conflict in our relationships, and we let ourselves writhe in this discontent. instead of letting human nature take over, and stressing or worrying about all of the negatives that happen in our lives, take time to relish in the positives. if you can see the good in your day, or in any situation, happiness will naturally come. i've always tried to have the first thought of my day be a positive one, and i've found that this can determine how the rest of my day will go. give yourself time to celebrate positivity in your life, no matter how small it may be. i too have bad days, and feel sad or stressed just like anyone, but i never let it take over my life. having a positive outlook can sway circumstances drastically. sharing these few takeaways, i hope, can help someone else who is experiencing struggles or hardships. i've had strongholds in my life, people who have always remained, that lift me up when i can't lift myself. my family, my sisters, they are the consistent anchor in my life that i turn to when everything feels unbearable. my spirituality, God, knowing that there is so much more to life, and that there is something greater, that others' problems are much greater than my own, has been one of the greatest understandings i have come to know. my friends, some i have known my entire life, some i have known for a short time, are daily happiness boosters. find these people in your life, but find yourself first. no one is alone in dark times, and everyone goes through things that can break them, but if you use these lows to create even higher highs, you will be an untouchable source of joy.

“THAT PEOPLE TOO MUST WILT, FALL, ROOT, RISE IN ORDER TO BLOOM”