i had a dream last night that i was falling and when i woke up i did not stop falling. most mornings in the past month have been like this, and i usually wish i could just stay in this nightmare instead of wake up to reality.
this has been one of the hardest years of my life so far, even though there has been so much good, there has also been so much bad. the type of bad that changes you to your core. i have been sick with sadness and worry to the point that i stay up all night in my bed until the sun comes up. i have lost a lot of hope i had in the world and the good of people. things have happened that i cannot fathom. i have felt deep, earth-shattering pain, and while i'm not the one suffering, i feel as if i am. i've always been the type of person to feel others' pain as if it was my own, especially the people i love most.
most everyone who knows me knows that i am not me without missa. she is the ray of light in my life in times of utter darkness. she is the person who has helped me continue on in moments when i felt like i couldn't. she is the reason i get up in the mornings a lot of the time. she is the good that i've held onto in a world that contains so much evil. she is the epitome of kindness, sincerity, pure gold in a rather dull world. and she is my best friend. i feel like missa is the only thing left that i can truly believe in and hold onto and without her i am only half a human and half a heart, because she is more me than i am myself.
i struggle writing about the unfathomable, unwavering love i have for my little sister, and writing has been the only thing in my life that i feel like i don't struggle with. it isn't something that can be put into words or expressed, because it is something entirely felt but not seen. i have never felt such an unbreakable, fortified bond as i do with missa and nothing, no love, will ever measure up to this. her happiness is my happiness. her pain is my pain. this is love.
however, loving so deeply can come with pain. pain that changes your DNA makeup and sneaks into your bones when you are not aware that you are even writhing in this pain. i am miles away from missa, yet all of the pain she has felt, i've felt too. it feels like i'm physically hurting.
i have lost a lot of hope in the world. i do not know what i believe in anymore. i cannot ever understand how such terrible things can happen to such a genuinely good person. how could someone EVER hurt this person? my little sister that is the most wholesome soul you could ever encounter.
this is why this year has been so incredibly difficult, because we live in a world where people can hurt someone, shatter someone, and move on with their lives as if nothing ever happened.
there are some people in the world that are malicious, evil, immoral, vile and they have no consequences.
i pray, i hope, i want to believe that there is still more good in the world than evil.
sometimes you love someone so deeply that their pain becomes your pain, and their hardships become your nightmares, and their dreams are all you care to fulfill. thank you, missa, for showing me what it means to be the most forgiving, merciful, compassionate, magnanimous, soft hearted person that keeps my head above water. you are so brave. you are everything that everyone else is not.
i love you
