writing

When I think back to everything that's made me who I am: the people I love, the things I’ve experienced, the heartbreak I’ve felt, the happiness I’ve held onto, the songs that have resonated with me, the books that I couldn't put down; the one thing that I know will always be defining of who I am, and something that I will always have a passionate fire deep down for is writing. When I think back to the first time that I felt a soulful satisfaction when pen met paper in a moment of enraptured artistry, I knew that I was born to write. I would sit in my room on Banner road in middle school, unsure of who I even was, beginning to feel emotions that I didn't even know existed and expressing them on paper. I’ve always thought that words are the most powerful tool that any human can acquire. A person can have everything stripped away from them, except for knowledge and your true passion. Having that outlet to write and express myself built an entire solar system of stars within my mind that is constantly vibrating and pulsating just waiting to be expelled onto a piece of paper or spoken into existence. There is nothing I love more than communicating. It is the one aspect of life that connects all of us on a deeper level. Our consciousness and awareness craves the human connection that we desperately need. I think that it is so beautiful that fragments of people and places and moments can be left behind and scattered like dust by writing, so that nothing is ever really forgotten. There is nothing more powerful than a story. I’ve sat through creative writing and creative nonfiction writing courses and hours of conversations with my parents and grandparents in complete awe of the stories that people have been able to put into words. These people would've otherwise never been understood, but through writing they are able to unite an entire of buzz of energy coming from the rest of mankind and their shared experiences. I would not be who i am without my 2 a.m. writing bouts when sticky notes are filled with the most random thoughts and found at a time of clarity. I would not be who i am without the 14-year-old me sitting alone in a dark room with Vampire Weekend blasting in my ears as I wrote fervently, and then running to read what I had written to my mom.
I hope that I never forget that writing is my true love; the one thing that excites me to no end. Even when I’m a stressed-out mother or extremely busy adult with a career and a life, I have to hold onto this.
Never forget or ignore the one thing that makes your heart feel like it has been fed.

'everything was beautiful and nothing hurt'

i feel more distant than i ever have from writing, which also means that my creativity has been stifled and put on the back burner lately. This stops now.
So, who knew being a 20-old-girl would be extremely toilsome? Nothing is more uncertain in my life right now, and I know that at any moment I could make a decision that would completely change the rest of my future. I find this burdening, yet exhilarating. I'm making mistakes and learning; I'm getting lost (a lot) and finding my way back; I'm happy and I'm sad. I'm excited for what the future holds, but I'm also utterly terrified. I can feel it in my bones that I was put on this Earth to make a deep impact; whether it be small or large, so that is what I set out to do.
I don't believe I have ever felt more certain of my calling. I feel as though I have found the one thing that will give my life so much purpose and meaning. I've always been passionate about being an activist and creating change, but I wasn't sure what career path would lead me to this for a living. One morning, late this past spring, I woke up and I knew that I wanted to be a lawyer. I had dreamed about it, thought about it until my mind was perplexed at the possibility of not attaining this goal. Ever since then, I've been on a mission. I've studied for the LSAT more than I've breathed in the past few months. I've stayed up late researching court cases and law schools. It has been a long time since I've felt so enraptured by a possibility.
I'm the type of person who, once my mind is set on something, I will stop at nothing until I reach it.
Something that has forever changed who I am is watching people I love hurt. I could have something terrible happen to me, but it will never measure up to the heartache I feel when someone I love has been wronged. Some of the people that I truly cannot live without have been wronged in such a way that it has directed my career path to study criminal law, specifically specializing in rape and sexual assault cases. Basically, I want to put rapists in prison for the rest of my life. I want to look into the eyes of a victim, and promise them that I will stop at nothing until the person who has hurt them is behind bars for the rest of their lives. Even though this evil exists, I find comfort in knowing that I can help these victims, usually young women, move on with their lives. I know that this will be the most rewarding, and at times, the most difficult career path. However, I have faith that if anyone can do it, it's me.
Even though I have a goal I'm striving for, this time of my life can feel very uncertain at times. I still struggle with being away from my family, every single day. My little sister, my best friend, my whole world, just went to college. My life is rapidly changing; people are coming and people are going. I've found more peace and happiness in the past few months knowing that I'm living intentionally. I'm incorporating "Ahimsa" as best I can into my everyday life.
This is a Buddhist tradition that means "respect for all living things, and avoidance of violence towards others." This tradition is the reason why I want to help those who have experienced violence or wrong-doing. This means through mind, body and soul.
With this tradition in mind, I've began to reconstruct negative thoughts so that they are more positive. I've recently become a vegetarian again so I harm less living things. As much and as often as I can, I'm trying to be the best person I can possibly be. With that compilation of scatter-brained thoughts, I'll end with this:

I've never been more alone, on my one, as one, in my entire life, but I have also never felt so entirely whole. I can feel myself growing, blooming every single day. This is all we can really ask of ourselves.