forgiveness

we talked about forgiveness in my love & rhetoric class the other day. i sat in my chair, ignoring the class conversation, contemplating forgiveness, as per usual. the teacher always eventually asks, "what are you thinking, Joy." eventually, i fabricate a sentence that i think makes sense, but probably really doesn't, and everyone stares at me for a couple of weird seconds. i really went into that class (which is 3 hours long) thinking that forgiveness was sort of bullshit, and then i left the class (3 hours later) mentally forgiving everyone i felt has wronged me. i thought that someone shouldn't have to forgive a person if they (the person who wronged me) couldn't even recognize that that they had done wrong by me. However, my professor, who is insanely woke, always hits me with a shockingly beautiful statement that makes me question everything i thought i knew. She said, "perhaps forgiveness isn't meant for those who have wronged you, but rather for you to let go of hate that is weighing you down and not give them the power to hurt you any longer." As i am quite literally quaking in my chair, i knew she was right. so i did just that, i forgave. i forgave those who have hurt me so deeply that its changed my chemical DNA makeup. it took me a few hours to truly forgive certain people, but i did it.
later that day, i climbed a mountain (it was small). at the top of the mountain, i detached this hurt and pain from my body and i walked, sorta fell because it was icy, back down that mountain (literally). i realized how much power you can take back from some things that are so painful so as to not lose yourself in the process. it is okay to feel, to grieve, to not be okay, and to take your time on a path to forgiveness, but ultimately, it really does help you heal completely through.
i feel irrevocably stronger now that i am not letting certain people/circumstances make me feel angry, hurt, or altered in any way.
i was still hurt, i am still me, just with a little less unnecessary and metaphorical weight.

p.s. i linked the album that i listened to while writing this post below. :)
https://open.spotify.com/album/2vQc4bkSmLXHvtPFUgMT39?si=9kK7WlNFR1mNsare5zdyjg

something, nothing, and everything

this semester has by far been one of the best parts of my life; it has been generative, full of learning and growth, and living with those who I know will be in my life forever.
that said, i'm also in classes that have made me think harder than ever before, which is both good and bad. i'm much more knowledgable on extremely important subjects, like God, existence, love, death, matter, etc. but this also brings up a lot of existential crisis' when you are constantly thinking about such deep subject matter. however, i wouldn't have it any other way.
i'm in a death & dying course, and i've written my own will, my last letter, my obituary, and i've planned my own funeral in a matter of 3 months. i've thought a lot about dying, and in turn, i've thought a lot about living. I've decided that both are equally terrifying, inevitable pursuits.
i'm in a class that is about love and rhetoric surrounding love. i've questioned exactly what love means to me, how to love or be loved, how to talk about love, and how to enact love.
i'm in a course called "Aristotle." All we do is read Aristotle, hence the course title. We have read "The Physics," "The Metaphysics," "The Nicomachian Ethics," and now we are reading "The Poetics." Anyways, if anyone ever wants to truly feel like they understand the densest topics known to mankind, read Aristotle.
I've come to realize how everything is connected. All of nature is one with energy, and i think i've learned how to be more comfortable with existence because of this realization. i love learning so much and i wake up everyday excited to go to my classes.
And my friends, my friends are the glue that keeps my sanity intact, and i just cannot fathom how i found so many beautiful souls. when i'm reflecting on everything that i am thankful for, those girls are always at the top of the list.
i sit and think about my life and think "this cannot be my life," because it is so sweet.
so, instead of questioning it, i think i'll just revel in it.

feel it all around

i have spent my entire life loving so hard
that it hurts,
that it destroys me,
that it changes me,
that it alters my entire existence,
and I finally realized that i am so grateful that i love this deeply.
the moment i meet someone i almost immediately find five endearing things that i can appreciate about them or five things that make them different from someone else. Instead of constantly apologizing for loving like i do, or feeling everything so intensely, i realized that the people who love me also love this about me. i've spent my whole life apologizing for being the person that cries at movies that aren't that sad, or the person who gets equally or even more sad when someone i love is sad. but this is what makes me who i am. i cry in the middle of a concert when the beat drops or when my sister crosses the finish line in her race or my other sister scores a soccer goal, because i recognize these beautiful moments, moments i will never get back, so i let myself feel them entirely. i know that anyone who recognizes this about me is someone who truly gets me, and someone who also loves equally as deep. The other night when i was upset, one of my very best friends looked me in the eyes and said, "that's why i love you Joy, because you love so hard." it's taken me 21 years, but i've finally realized that the people who truly love you, and the people who are meant to love you will recognize what makes you who you are, and love you that much more for it.
there is an entire universe vibrating inside of me, and that's okay.