this is probably the billionth time this semester, scratch that, this YEAR, that i've questioned my own sanity and my own existence. i feel like i'm stuck in a cycle of existential crisis and dread, and i have to remind myself that this uncertainty and lack of control is an unavoidable constituent of living in the year of 2020, especially as a college student.
this was the first semester of my senior year, and it was supposed to be one of the best. i've had high expectations for every semester during college, because they are usually filled with learning things that change me entirely, make me grow so much that it can be painful at times, question who i am and what i want during this short time in this form, with this mind, with this capability. instead, it has punched me in the heart almost everyday. i've spent most of this semester in my bed (rarely have i worn pants this year), since all classes are online and so is my job, i literally stare at this 11 inch screen all fucking day, with the sun rising in the background and the sun setting while i slave away, giving any ounce of energy i have left to this routine that i have chosen.
i'm so tired. so tired. i have been depressed beyond belief at times during this semester. i've had to dig myself out of some of the darkest holes i've found myself in during the 22 years of existing, but i'm still breathing, shallowly, but enough to keep me alive. i smile at a screen to convince my virtual world that i'm doing okay, but i'm barely surviving. i realized that the only thing that really brought me true joy in my life was my education and the people who were a part of this. i rarely see or talk to the professors or classmates who became more like family than educators, except for occasionally on my laptop. they are tired too. i have straight A's, like always, that i usually work myself into the ground for. but, i don't feel like i've learned as much as i should have. i took classes that are literally the epitome of importance and interest for me, and i feel like i am just doing some meaningless work to get it done and nothing else. am i throwing myself a bit of a pity party, well yes, but i think everyone needs to acknowledge how fucking bad this is and stop sugar-coating it. its great to see the positives, the bright side, and be optimistic, but you cannot grieve without acknowledging what you lost. i lost everything that gave my life meaning. i feel starved. you have to immerse yourself into pain, feel it, in order to process it and apply it. i've learned this the hard way. i've avoided it or swept it under the rug to possibly revisit someday. i was forced to acknowledge it this year.
on top of my education being pretty much obsolete, this year has been full of growing into who i was meant to be and who i am, letting my old self actually fucking die, shedding the expectations, the image, the ideals that were ingrained so deeply into me that getting rid of them was like a slow painful death, losing people (lots of people) friends, family, who i thought loved and supported me, but did not. some of them i knew i could not have in my life anymore, whether they were holding me back, draining me, bringing me down instead of lifting me up, or here for the wrong reasons or the wrong joyclie. i started seeing things for how they truly are: my childhood, myself (and all of my flaws mistakes and pitfalls) but also myself for how wonderful i am despite these things. i finally, truly loved myself this year, not just fake love either, not just a love for the things that are pretty or likable that i showed on the outside or that other people liked about me, i loved EVERYTHING. even my darkness. i gave love freely to people who never really did the same, or who used me because i was there for them like a shiny new toy that would soon acquire some dust. i also gave love to people who gave it right back, and let it fill me to the brim. i showed people my shine, but i showed people my ugly, and then i knew who was meant to stay. i chose people who chose me, and i distanced myself from people whose energy did not match mine or lowered my vibration.
i realized what i valued: love, compassion, honesty, empathy, understanding, and a fucking rawness that lets you show the world that you are a human and not a postcard or an ornament. i learned how connected i am to everything; that i am not separate from the is-ness, but rather a vibrating constituent of the equation of the cosmos. i'm also a spec of dust; no greater than the fly on my wall or the philosophers i read each day. this made me change how i approached life entirely. i started being more eco-friendly, sustainable and kind to the earth to show a mutual respect that it shows us each and everyday by giving us life (i still have a long way to go until i feel i am truly respecting/giving back). i stopped buying useless material things like i used to just so i could have a bit of happiness from it (i still do from time to time in weak moments). i started spending most of my time in nature and listening to what it had to show me, tell me, teach me. i became quieter and more keen on listening than stealing the show (which i have always felt was the only way to combat how small i had made myself feel for so long). this consciousness began to arise as soon as i recognized the impact i could have. i started seeing a therapist and healing from my trauma so that i no longer inflict my pain or confusion onto others. i STOPPED curling myself up, making myself small, and began to stretch my arms out so wide that it feel like they might detach from my body. i let the abundance of existing and being thrust into this space/time continuum consume me by admitting that i know absolutely fucking nothing. this is now comforting. i started being more open with the people that i love, so that our relationship can grow and be real. i stopped letting people take advantage of me and set some boundaries for myself that i never knew was possible or that i deserved. i started having hard conversations, something i have avoided in attempt to bypass conflict by any means necessary, and i have been both hated and loved for it. i started letting good memories of people and things that no longer exist hold weight, but not so much that it draws me out of the present. i stopped people pleasing. i started living in the now the RIGHT HERE RIGHT now and relishing it.
i decided to start living for something more than just myself. i started a feminist club, i began writing a novel, i told people how the fuck i actually feel, and i realized exactly what i want to do with this life, not what people want me to do or what will look impressive or successful. i accepted only real love; those who loved me and did not judge me after SEEING me.
this year is one that i will never ever forget. it has shaped me, molded me, burned me, caressed me, tested me, exposed me, hurt me, and helped make me who i am. i hope that other people who have survived this year have realized some of these things, too, and that we can lift the collective consciousness to a height we never thought we would reach. one that is accepting, loving, nonjudgmental, and in tune with the rest of the is-ness. i have so much to learn, so many ways i can be better, an endless amount of room for growth, a long ways to go for unbecoming and humility, and i hope to be a source for loving-compassion, radical acceptance, love, and joy for anyone who will let me give them love. i have a lot to give.
& no, none of you have convinced me that i am a bad person, that i am unworthy, that i am too much, because i know my inherent-goodness, and it will not be stifled by echoes of your own discontent or discomfort. love only.
joy
