it’s tuesday and it’s raining

 it’s tuesday and it’s raining 

my limbs move beneath me, ever so slowly, softly. 

the lull of a rainy tuesday morning makes my bed feel like a plush cloud of dreams 

a comfort that the world cannot provide me right now or ever. should i ever leave?

will i ever love again? 

i can see the moon better than i can see the sun

why does it stare at me? 

daring me? analyzing me? admiring me? 

& in the mornings i sometimes think of all the arms that have held me: 

some loosely, not tight enough

some so tight i could barely breathe

i breathe deeply and hold myself just tight enough

i wonder if i will ever let someone that close again

yet, i am in the state of loving again

perhaps i’ve found the greatest love of them all

myself

i love the things about me that i used to hate 

i am a spec of dust, made from the same matter as the stars 

i deserve my love before anyone else

on days when the sun doesn’t shine like today, my internal sun shines brightest

i love that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that i used to dread 

reminding me of how powerful my emotions are

my vulnerability 

my tender heart that contrasts with the hardness of my head 

a mind so unwavering that it terrifies me and leaves me breathless at times

i sometimes wonder if the two were meant to be together? 

a heart so fragile and a head so impenetrable 

to love without remorse is not weakness

maybe this is the most puissant thing about me

i love with my eyes closed, without fear of the future, 

like sending it down a mountain covered in snow that came from the sky on 2 inches of plastic 

surreal, dreamlike, unearthly 

ready to fly, soar 

it is magic to feel this alive

right here, right now

it’s tuesday and it’s raining.