someday you'll be dead

this is by no means a morbid post even though the headline might indicate otherwise. this is what skylyn and i say to each other all the time when we are debating whether or not we should do something, like go to a concert, or go out late on a Tuesday night when we have homework and class the next day. i have truly learned from the best, because she has been the most epic role model i could ask for. she's been a college basketball player, track STAR, national champion, graduate student with a 4.0, yet there isn't anyone else in the world that i know that lives as fully as she does. we live for experiences, and for memories that we cannot forget, not the externals. when sky looks me in the eyes when i'm uncertain about a decision and says "someday you'll be dead" it puts everything in life in perspective. is this morbid, scary even? absolutely. but it couldn't be more true. yes, there is homework, class, work, and so many other priorities, but i will never want to look back on my life and realize how many opportunities or experiences i missed because "i was tired" or "i have homework." there is no greater priority than living life to the absolute fullest, and not getting trapped in the lull of society. i've been doing a lot of thinking about this, when i come home at 2 a.m. and do homework for another hour, to be exhausted the next day, but feel so alive. there is always a way to complete all of the daunting tasks that hang over your head, without sacrificing your freedom, or without sacrificing the best parts of life. i will never regret a single night when i went out instead of staying in. you have to push yourself to the absolute edge to feel the most alive. i have surrounded myself with people who feel the exact same way, and because of it there is never a dull moment. i think there are certain people in the world who feel content with going through the motions: waking up at the same time everyday, going to class, work, making lists, sticking to a schedule, and then going to sleep just to repeat it all over again the next day. if you live like this, then you never even lived. then there are certain people who have a war within them, and they need to experience everything life has to offer in order to be content; these are my kind of people. i cannot listen to excuses for "why not" someone should live their freaking life.
we have a sticky note in my office at work that my friends wrote on that says "if you had 24 hours left to live, what would you do?" this question has mustered up plenty of existential conversations, and we always come to the conclusion that life is the most fragile part of the entire universe. so often we hear "life is so short" and many other things to this extent, but do we act on them? listen to what these people have to say. listen to people who are approaching the end of their life, because i know they would tell you to do exactly this. it's also truly the only way we live.
i want to literally scream at people who are going through the motions, not taking risks, and playing it safe, because this is the saddest way to live and the biggest waste of time. we are all going to exceed our time here some day, and when that day comes, and you take your last breath, you won't regret living this lifestyle. this is the only way i've been able to seek control -- when i'm completely out of control. not everything in your life needs to be orderly and neat. sometimes the most beautiful scenarios happen when we are living and not just existing.

I was always an unusual girl
My mother told me that I had a chameleon soul
No moral compass pointing me due north
No fixed personality
Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean
And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying

Because I was born to be the other woman
Who belonged to no one
Who belonged to everyone
Who had nothing
Who wanted everything
With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it
And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me
-Ride monologue, Lana Del Rey

-Ben and Christo's sticky note

on the topic of religion

it is currently 11:39 on a Wednesday night, and my mind is exploding with thoughts. i had to write them down, because i feared that i would wake up in the morning and forget. we were assigned a reading in my American literature class, "Nature" by Ralph Waldo Emerson; the man, the myth, the legend. this writer is one of my greatest inspirations; his writing has evoked some of my most critical thoughts, and made me self analyze everything that i am. how does this reading assignment relate to religion? let me explain. emerson believes that we are a part of a whole, of something greater than us, and that we are a piece of god; he believes we are closest to god when we are in the presence and in touch with nature. i have always respected, and even listened attentively to others' beliefs when it comes to religion. i am fascinated by the different religions that exist. i have challenged my beliefs more in the past year than i ever have in my life. i've taken philosophy courses that made me ask the question, "does god exist?" i grew up in a christian family; we went to church nearly every Sunday. i never felt as if my faith was really my own; i believed in god, but mostly because my parents believed in god. i wanted to test this faith, to study, and to figure out what i believed for myself personally. growing up, i would get anxiety about going to church, about going to this place of worship. i could never grasp why we gathered in a place with other people to practice something that was so deeply personal. we were in a church supposedly worshiping god, but everyone was truly worshiping each other. often times, many things are exercised in life simply for reputation or maintaining an image. i could feel judgmental eyes crawling down the back of my neck, watching me closely, as i sat and listened to someone speak about god. church wasn't really about god. organized religion is not for god, but for the people. if you want to get closer to god, go into nature (like emerson said); self examine, test your beliefs and faith, challenge your ideas and notions, ponder your deepest thoughts, take time alone to reflect, study different philosophies and religious beliefs, understand yourself before you try to understand others, be patient, be your biggest critic, but be kind to yourself. spirituality exists in one way or another, within all of us. religion determines how we practice this faith, but it is organized entirely by society. transcendentalism is something that i have grown fond of during college, and a term that i continue to revisit, especially in my literature classes. this idea stresses that independence and self reliance are crucial to spiritual growth. if you are one with yourself, if you are one with nature, and connected to the rest of existence, then you will find yourself within it all. i don't want to feel as if my existence is something i should be apologetic for; this is why religion is unsettling to me. i struggle with certain beliefs that some religions deem wrong. this is why self examination is so important; to know yourself and love yourself is a rare accomplishment for many. the idea of religion doesn't sit right in my mind when someone is trying to force a belief on me that is so deeply personal. take time in your life to self reflect. take time in your life to go into nature, because you will find this is the time you are the most spiritually connected to the rest of the universe, and that you are most connected with god. take time in your life to question your beliefs. find happiness within yourself, instead of outside yourself.

"in the woods, we return to reason and faith."
"nature always wears the colors of the spirit."
"the happiest man is he who learns from nature the lesson of worship."

-Emerson

mullet boy

i promise this blog is usually serious, but this is a post that i just had to write about. i hope you all find it amusing. there's been so many times in the past few weeks that i've stopped and thought 'this life is so so good.' about three weeks ago, we decided to go to a music festival, on a Sunday; the Sunday right before the first day of college. this music festival just happened to only be $12, and so we couldn't pass up the opportunity. mack, mckenna, and i road tripped to denver, where we picked up clayten, chloe, and sky. when we arrived, we tried to sneak a flask into Velorama, and got yelled at by security, and so i tried to hide it in a bush, but he still found it. once we got in, we all used our fake id's and got stamped, except for mack who doesn't have one. i licked my stamp and put it on her hand: genius. while we were waiting for cults and matt & kim to come on stage, we drank margaritas and walked around all of the booths. chloe and sky almost died riding motorized bikes while intoxicated, and we all watched in terror. when we finally made it to the food trucks, i saw a boy standing by the hawaiian shaved ice shack. he was tall, had long hair to his shoulders that was pulled up in a man bun (very important detail), the best smile, and was wearing high skate checkered vans. i knew i had to go talk to him, or i would always regret not doing it, so i mustered up all my courage and walked up to him and his group of friends. i told him i liked his shoes, and got his snapchat, then he told me he'd find me at the concert later. i was pulsing off of pure adrenaline when i went and found my friends standing behind the food trucks, where they were watching everything go down. when i looked back down at my phone, i realized that i didn't have this boy on snapchat, so i thought something went wrong when adding him (lol). anyways, we went to get clayten food, and it felt like we stood waiting in line for five years until we finally got it. all the while, the cute guys' two friends were standing about five feet away from me. i was, to say the least, a little bit intoxicated, and was completely delirious as to what was going on. we were all standing in a circle, when i could feel someone standing behind me, and it was the boy again! he came to get my snapchat again, because it hadn't worked earlier. i was completely unaware of what was going on, but gave it to him anyways. at this point, i was pretty positive he had to be in high school, because only a high school boy would do something like that. while we waited for cults to come out, we all sat in a circle in front of the stage talking. everyone was high out of their minds, and we just sat there talking. i had seen a lot of people around the festival with just the top of their heads shaved, and i was so confused as to where they were coming from and why they were doing this. all of a sudden, i see a group of people walking towards us. i nearly passed out when i realized it was the guy from earlier, except now he had a full on MULLET. yes, it was the cringiest of cringe mullets, and his friend's head was completely shaved on the top. at first i was absolutely shocked, and i literally asked them 'is this real life?' turns out it was definitely real life, and i just busted out laughing so hard i couldn't even breathe. sky was laying on the ground, laughing so hard she was crying, and everyone else was also just laughing at this poor mullet boy that was standing in front of us. he said 'you probably won't like me anymore now that i have a mullet,' and this had me dead. i was literally going to die from laughing. he asked, 'is it really that bad?' and i swear i tried to answer, but words wouldn't come out of my mouth. after about 15 minutes of getting laughed at, the poor guy finally left and disappeared into the crowd. cults finally came on stage, and played about five songs, and they were great live. when matt & kim came on stage, shit got weird. i swear this was the most bizarre concert i have ever been to, and i have been to a lot of concerts, including justin bieber (twice). at one point, kim was drumming with two giant dildos: one black and one white. matt then threw about five blow up dolls into the crowd, and i thought i was dreaming. not only was the concert weird, but the atmosphere and people there were just strange. after a couple songs, kim was screaming for everyone to crowd surf, which was extremely annoying because i kept getting hit in the head with random people's butts. all of a sudden, i saw mullet boy crowd surfing, and i looked over at skylyn, and she just lost it. she was laughing so hard that she fell on the ground and nearly got trampled. mullet boy was crowd surfing RIGHT AT ME. it was so awkward, and i didn't want to touch him, so i nonchalantly moved out of the way, leaving a giant hole right where he was headed. mullet boy then fell to the ground (sorta because i dropped him) and probably broke his ass on the pavement. when i thought things couldn't get any weirder, matt & kim then made the crowd split and MOSH to the song 'daylight'. if any of you know this song, you know that it is not the type of song you have a mosh pit to. we were right where it split in half, and i swear i saw my life flash before my eyes. i truly thought mckenna died, her tiny self, flying at a whole crowd of people in a mosh pit. after the concert, we drove the hour home, and i was still in shock at everything that had happened. anyways, moral of the story, never pass up $12 concert tickets, see matt & kim live before you die, and don't trust guys with man buns, because they might just turn into guys with mullets.

                                                     Mullet boy and mullet boy's friend